March 2012
1 post
1 tag
Expectations and the inevitable downfall.
Her life has to be a certain way. She decided an unbearably long time ago what way that was. As a result, her life is burdened with expectations and everything she wanted for herself so long ago seems heavy, undesirable and unattainable. It is time to let go of those worn out dreams, to let go of those old ambitions and goals, but that, to her, seems as impossible as holding on to them. So now she...
January 2012
5 posts
1 tag
The Inner Life
Her inner life is so rich that she forgets to be today what she was yesterday. Isn’t that the way it should be, stranger?
1 tag
Conversations
Long walks turn into long dinners, long dinners turn into long nights. Thus is their life together. Walks, dinners, nights, accompanied by conversations. Good conversations. Deep conversations. Intelligent conversations. Conversations so delightful they are impossible to end without regrets about doing so later. So they have long walks, long dinners and long nights to postpone the inevitable. But...
1 tag
Hope(lessness)
At times she feels hopeless and at times she feels hope, and in between, if she’s lucky, there’s a blissful kind of nothingness giving her time to rest. Rest is necessary, because both hopelessness and hope are tiring feelings to have, especially when, some days, they alternate so rapidly it makes her wonder whether it is possible to feel hopelessness and hope at the same time. It might very well...
1 tag
The clouds are still there
All her loses show her what she still has left. She still has her love for reading, her wonderful secondhand books and plenty of tea. Her imagination is as vivid as it has always been, her mind still takes her to happier places, to places peaceful and wild all at once. Her cat is still as ungrateful and as darling as she has always been. At times she still dreams of Oscar Wilde. Dreams so funny...
1 tag
Collision
Within her emotions collided. Her fear clashed with her ambition, with her will to live, with her dreams and goals. Her depression crashed into her joy, into her hope. And now she is scared. What if her fear wins? “What will become of me then? My God, what will become of me then?” But nothing has been decided yet, the struggle is still going on. There seems to be no end to the insecurity of not...
December 2011
17 posts
1 tag
Deadness
On good days everything just seems dull, hopeless and utterly useless. On bad days she sees not a single reason to stay alive for even a minute longer. But she does stay alive and if you were to ask her why, she would smile at you with sad eyes and mumble something along the lines of ‘Oh, you know, just because.’ She doesn’t like to answer questions about herself, and so the answers she gives are...
1 tag
It is literature, sir.
While I am hidden away behind the bookshelves I can hear their conversation. A man in his seventies, holding a bunch of books, is talking passionately about history. Then his mood changes. “The youth today doesn’t care about history,” he says with a raised voice. “I wished they would care. I have a huge bookcase full of books about history. I am telling you, I know everything. They don’t care.”...
1 tag
Evenings
On the other side of the night, evenings don’t seem that bad to her anymore. But then evening comes around again, and no matter how optimistic she was in the morning, every time again evening sucks all the life out of her. Why is it that in the evening everything seems so much worse than during the day? What is it about evenings that reminds her of death? Every evening again she realizes fully...
1 tag
Murky
There are no reasons for him to feel as he does. Yet, of course, like all people tend to do, he feels as he does regardless. At times he tries to change his feelings, the way he perceives things, his outlook on the world, but each time around he automatically, gradually, goes back to thinking as he thought before, and thus feeling as he did before. It is almost as if he is addicted to feeling sad,...
1 tag
Freedom
She still smiles when she listens to music, that’s how she knows she is still alive inside. That’s how she knows deep down her soul is still the way it used to be. That’s how she knows she still has a chance at life. Sometimes she wonders if she wants to have a chance. Maybe it would be easier if all hope was lost. To have no more hope would bring peace. It would finally be okay to give up. No...
1 tag
Angels
She used to believe in angels. Back then, she believed in a lot of things. For one, she believed in life. She believed in life and in living it. Now she doesn’t believe in anything anymore. She smiles when she thinks about that innocent girl she was, this girl who believed in people, and love, and a bright future. But when she really thinks about it, about who she was and who she is now, she can’t...
1 tag
Dance
Thinking is her thing. She is always safely locked away in her mind, figuring things out, making up stories, coming up with solutions for difficult problems. She is always trying to figure out the world. Her brain was her territory, it was the only place she felt secure, at home. The world around her, as fascinating as it is to her, scared her deeply. She saw her body as part of the world, not as...
1 tag
How?
She doesn’t know how to live life. Other people have dreams. To go to college, have a relationship, get a good job, buy a house, marry, make lots of money, have children, go on vacations. None of those things seem desirable to her and she feels deep within her doing those things just isn’t possible for her. She has no idea what she does want, she has no idea what her dreams are, she only...
1 tag
Free spirits
When it comes to love, love of the romantic kind, she is an expert. Maybe not in making it last, but in feeling it, in experiencing it, in finding it. She falls in love with all kinds of people. People with minds completely different from hers. People with free spirits and big unconventional dreams. Dreams so huge they scare her. She likes those kind of dreams, for the dream itself is more...
1 tag
Breaking free
Behind her strong, calm exterior and her well faked smile, all her unexpressed, negative emotions and feelings are fighting to get out. The chaos inside runs her life. Her sorrow, her self-loathing, her torment, her loneliness, her disappointment, her envy, her frustration, her helplessness, her anxiety, her grief, her guilt, they are all fighting to be released into the world. One day they will...
1 tag
Choose your own path
Only on rare occasions is she certain. Only on rare occasions is she certain she is right, certain she is doing the right thing, certain she is making the right choice. How do you know you are doing what is right for you? How do you know what the right choice is? Do you only know whether you made the right choice in hindsight? Do you ever find out whether you made the right choice? Sometimes,...
1 tag
Trust
She has exposed her soul for him to explore. She trusts him enough to let down her walls. Walls she built up after years of heartache after heartache, betrayal after betrayal. Normally it takes her awhile to trust new people in her life, but she instantly loved him so deeply, trusting him was inevitable. She has never been this close to someone. Never before has she been this vulnerable in a...
1 tag
Redefine yourself
She is an artist. A performance artist. Sometimes the people she talks to don’t know whether the conversations they have with her are real or a performance, an act. Her ability to feel shame or embarrassment is limited, other people’s embarrassment means nothing to her. In her world, in the world she has created, piece by piece, around herself, reality is non existent. All she wants to do is push...
1 tag
To Look and See
He looks at her. But he does not just look, he sees. He sees her as she is. All the good, all the bad, the hint of jealously she feels when he talks to another girl, her love for art, the way her nose wrinkled as she laughs. He sees her adoration for animals, her interest in science, the little smile she smiles at her own thoughts now and again, the loneliness she feels sometimes. He sees her...
1 tag
You might be happy
Her mind is full of situations that will never happen. But they do happen, in her mind, over and over again. All the worst case scenarios, the best case scenarios and every single scenario in between. She imagines unimaginable situations, conversations, happenings. In her mind everything is possible, even the impossible. Sometimes her brain is so busy calculating all the ‘what-ifs?’, it has no...
1 tag
And the wheel goes round and round
“One thing, darling. Don’t ever take someone’s advice on what to do, unless you wouldn’t mind turning out like them. Okay?” “Yes, mommy.” “Good. Now that goes for my advice too, understood?” “Yes, mommy.” “Do you want to turn out like me, dear?” “Not really, mommy.” “Then why did you take my advice? When not taking your advice means taking your advice, and taking your advice means not taking your...
1 tag
Sadness
These are times when there are no difficult problems to solve, no urgent issues to address, no unimaginable losses to mourn, yet, despite all this good fortune, she is still utterly sad. Sad for no apparent reason. But of course, there is always a reason to be sad. Maybe she is sad over an old memory, a lost dream, a missed chance. Maybe she is feeling somebody else’s sadness, somebody else’s...
November 2011
45 posts
1 tag
Not just heartbroken
He left her broken. Not just heartbroken, but completely broken. Her mind, her spirit, her ambition, her character, her faith in herself, her belief in the existence of soul mates, her hope for the future, all of it seems broken beyond repair. Every part of her is now divided into little pieces, except for her bones, they are still as strong as they have always been. Her soul is deeply saddened,...
1 tag
Feelings of Disconnection
People from books, people from times long past, people only existing in her imagination seem more real to her than the people she sees walking down the street. The people she sits across from on the train seem blurry and endlessly far away. Much further away than the people she saw in paintings in a museum when she was a child. Much further away than Dorian Gray or David Copperfield. It is hard...
1 tag
Such is his life
If he imagines something he sees it. If he imagines to be in love, he is in love. If he imagines to be in Spain he is there. Give him a book about the universe and he travels from star to star. He doesn’t have to leave the house to travel. He doesn’t have to get up to run away. He doesn’t have to experience to feel. All the emotions he sees people have and all the emotions he hears in music, all...
1 tag
All the Ugliness
She doesn’t know how to live in a world filled with such shallowness. She doesn’t have the tools to thrive in a world like this, with its arrogance and its ignorance. Maybe if she was beautiful. Maybe if she didn’t have scars. Maybe if she wasn’t such an overthinker. Maybe if she wasn’t so insecure. Maybe then she could live in a world like this. Now she looks around. She sees the world. She sees...
1 tag
Beautifully Impractical
He is outrageously impractical. He is chronically broke, always in debt. He is permanently without a job. All his choices are utterly unsafe. But God, is he happy. And boy, does he live. And you better believe he has fun. The art he makes is dangerous, because it wakes people up from their daily routine, and it makes them question why they do what they do. His art has changed many lives. He lives...
1 tag
The Beauty of Struggle
Falling in love is part of her daily routine. She falls in love with little details that catch her eye during the day. A half empty beer bottle under a park bench. One single, little plant growing from a brick wall. Details like that stay with her for a long time, because of what they made her feel when she first saw them. In some odd way they make her feel life is worth living. They make her...
1 tag
4 tags
Freddie Mercury
I first met you through my father, who introduced me to your music. As a little girl I sang along with your songs, without knowing what the words meant. (I remember my mom wasn’t too happy about some of the lyrics I sang. I suppose it isn’t normal for a five year old to sing “I am a sex machine ready to reload.” Oh well.) Back then, words didn’t matter much, not to me. It...
1 tag
All we need
She’d rather be alone. Her past lovers always insisted to pretend that when the two of them were together they were less alone, less lonely. That being together somehow eased the pain of life, that being together somehow made them both happier. She can’t stand those kind of lies. The kind of things people say about their partner disgust her. Things like “She is my better half.” Or “He completes...
1 tag
People miss things
Sometimes people miss things. Unanimated things. Things that never existed. People can miss stories, books, dreams they once had. People tend to miss their old self, the way they were and the things they did when they were a child. People can be homesick to places that aren’t their home. People fall in love with characters from books and stay faithful to them all their life. People think...
1 tag
Her truth
She never pretends to be something she isn’t. She never pretends to feel something she doesn’t. Life isn’t fun. Not if you really think about it. When people ask her how she’s doing, she never says “Fine.” Or “Great.” Or “Wonderful.” Or “Just a little tired.” She always says: “I am sad.” Or “I am depressed.” “I am struggling to find meaning in it all.” “I don’t know how I feel, but I know I...
1 tag
To understand differences
And what it came down to, in the end, is that he wanted to do anything for her, except let her be herself. He couldn’t understand her and he blamed her for it. If she was just a little more conventional, a little more boring, a little more ‘normal’, maybe then he could understand her. Maybe then he could let her be herself, if she was just a little more like him. She, at first, didn’t understand...
1 tag
A world of their own
His eyes show a world of their own. There is anger in them, and hope. That weird feeling you get in the middle of the night, when you wake up and you’re all alone. They hold in them both heaven and hell, both strength and inability to cope. Love, resentment and jealousy. Hate, indifference and joy. In them can be seen all the conflict there is within his soul. Doubts about everything and even...
1 tag
Love styles
She called herself a true romantic. She didn’t fall in love easily or often, but when she did, oh, when she did. When she did, she fell hard, without reservations, without boundaries, without holding back. She would fall fully, she would give herself fully. Every time she fell in love it was as if it was the first time, like she had no idea she could get hurt, like her heart had never been broken....
1 tag
To search, but never find
Her eyes look not as much empty, as they look eternal. Like she is looking inward rather than at the world around her. She seems lost, not in the world, but within herself. Looking for an explanation, or maybe just a reason, for why she sees things as she sees them. Everything always looks so black, so negative, so wrong. Even happy things seem misplaced to her, like they are lost as well....
1 tag
The world she lives in
Everywhere she goes and everywhere she looks she sees variations of herself. On television, in books, on the streets and in shops. People are much like her everywhere. Not only are so many people a variation of her, she is also the variation of many people. People she might not know, people she will probably never meet. But there are people everywhere who might look at her and think to themselves:...
2 tags
The Power of Connection
Sometimes you look into someone’s eyes and you feel an instant connection. It might only last for a split second, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. She looked in my eyes, I looked into hers. We shared a little smile, like we knew something in that moment nobody else has ever known. Then we moved on with our day. The most wonderful thing about it is, I will never see her again. That...
2 tags
Sunshine on a rainy day
After rain comes sunshine. She loves rain. Don’t worry, stranger, after sunshine comes rain.
2 tags
Imaginary
Her name is Anna, she told me. Her name is everything she has. She has no home, no work, no friends, no family. No hopes, dreams or ambitions. The one thing Anna has besides a name is imagination. And that’s enough for Anna. It’s all she needs. Because her imagination makes her almost like a child. She doesn’t just have imaginary friends like some children do, but she also has imaginary...
2 tags
Wilde hair
For some reason, or for no reason at all, I see reading people everywhere. I love reading. I love people who read. Whenever I see someone enjoying a book I loved too, I almost feel like I know that person. An unwritten connection. She is like that. She is sitting on the ground, reading Oscar Wilde. Her hair is a mess. Blowing wild in the wind. Her clothes are simple, just an oversized sweater...
2 tags
Mind me
Her mind keeps wondering around, worrying about tomorrow, remembering yesterday. She is never at ease just experiencing today, without all the thinking. Thinking is her way of feeling alive, she lives in her head. Her body is just there for show. She probably didn’t know it was there for most of her childhood, until she walked past a mirror someday. “So that is what my mind looks like,” she...
1 tag
Can you have it all?
She is at war with herself about all the conflicting things she wants. She wants chaos and control. She wants adventure and safety. She wants to live in a city, have a busy life, lots of friends, a demanding career. She wants to live in the woods, write and be all alone. She wants to know everything and know nothing. She wants to fit in and be different, be the odd one out. She wants to be...
1 tag
In reality, she has been everywhere
Her mind wanders around, always. Whenever she watches a movie or reads a book, the characters come alive in her head and they live there forever after. Whenever she sees a photograph of a beautiful place somewhere on this earth or not, she lives there for a substantial amount of time in her mind. Sometimes these places are energetic, filled with interesting people from all walks of life and full...
1 tag
Can she overcome?
She is scared, frightened. Of what you might ask? Of everything, the answer is. She is afraid of failing, making mistakes, taking risks, making wrong choices. She’s scared of living and of dying, even though she is scared of living most. She is scared of doing new things, meeting new people, having new experiences. She is scared of doing nothing, of waiting, of hoping. She is afraid of not...
1 tag
To be yourself
She feels utterly free and it is all because of him. He gives her the freedom to be completely herself. He told her once he gives her this freedom for purely selfish reasons. He simply likes her best when she is herself. Apparently he finds the person she pretends to be when she tries to fit in horribly boring. “I didn’t fall in love with that person. To be honest, I wouldn’t have even noticed...
2 tags
Soulmates
Two moments after they met, they decided they had known each other for a long time. Ever since they spend all their free time together. They don’t always like each other, they don’t always agree, they don’t always get along. But that’s okay, because whatever happens, each of them knows they are loved, accepted and understood. Even when they aren’t doing good, even when they aren’t nice. Even when...
1 tag
Making her past
Her future is so open, so undefined, so unlimited. Nothing is decided yet, she can still do everything, choose everything, go everywhere. It is excited to know her story is still incomplete, that the ending is not yet determined. At the same time it is scary, if your life can go everywhere it can also go to a dark, sad place. Sometimes she wishes it was all behind her, her whole exciting, open...